Posted on 11 September 2010 by D' MacKinnon
As I live my life there are many times when I don’t see my true self. We’ve all done it, by focusing too intensely on this project at work or what’s going on in our lives we lose focus. The drive towards what we think we should be, the fictionalized ideal we blind ourselves to true happiness. When we fail to meet the unrealistic idea of what we should be there’s either the path of readjusting this image to be more aligned with reality or the path of self-loathing and destruction. I feel like I’ve walked the path of passive suicide long enough. One can choose to either let themselves spiral deeper down the destructive path, slowly dying until there is nothing left or to stop the cycle and embrace the stillness of the moment. When you take the time to silence the mind you can allow what you have been seeking to find you. People think they know what will make them happy. Maybe they think it’s a big house, or a job or fame. Once one attains this there is often still emptiness, a hunger that can’t be filled. This hunger eventually leads to misery as one discovers that the possessions don’t bring fulfillment. The logical self that I am has never allowed me to believe in anything non-quantifiable such as a higher being influencing our destiny. Not to say that this doesn’t exist but it is a path that I can’t truly follow. Thus for a time I followed the path of nihilism. The lack of belief isn’t true emptiness but more of a replacement of self and ego above all else. Ultimately, I have found that this lead to misery as can never attain the ideal image of self. By following the path of selfishness we attempt to find fulfillment by becoming attached to more and more “stuff”. We view the world through a skewed perception of what is real. We try to hold on tighter to things but this is actually counter-productive. I’ve spent the past eight months deconstructing myself, finding out who I’ve been and why I’ve been this person. Western psychotherapy has been helpful in this regard, in helping me identify what makes my personality tick. It has also opened my eyes as to why other people behave the way they do. This has been helpful in preventing myself from falling into the everyday traps that people put out there in conversation. I can see behaviors in others and realize their motivations and keep myself from feeling trapped or feeding their compulsions. However, just outlining the problems in myself hasn’t helped with coming to overcoming them. I’ve stepped out of some patterns but addressing the deeper flaws in the subconscious has eluded me. It wasn’t until I stopped the world around me and took time to embrace the stillness that answers came to me. Instead of grasping for them I had to let go to see what I have been looking for. I know this seems vague but it is difficult to put into words. Instead of seeking and waiting for answers I had to become an empty cup. By embracing the stillness I was able to see the inner self. The subtle truths of the world revealed themselves.
Posted on 20 January 2010 by D' MacKinnon
I’m still here, I’ve just been Tweeting more than blogging lately. Schedules have been hectic. I just realized I posted studio photos everywhere but here. I should probably have posted them. Since I had it build we had a freeze over the winter that flooded it. Insurance is covering the damages but it has been out of commission since mid-December. The last of the repairs should finish up this Friday and I will hopefully be moving equipment out from storage and back in this weekend.
I’ve been contemplating redesigning this site and also moving the blog from Movable Type to WordPress. After building a couple of WordPress sites for people I’ve seen a lot of handy features that seem to be lacking in Movable Type. Perhaps I’ll move stuff over in the next month or so, depending on what kind of time I have.
Posted on 16 November 2009 by D' MacKinnon
No one ever told me this Thomas the train shit was so expensive.
Just blew a bunch of money at Toys R’ Us for holiday gifts. If people want to get Dres gifts for the holidays, get him some size 3T thick winter clothes. He has enough toys coming.
I saw a really loud-ass metal band in NYC last week. I think my eardrums are still recovering. Guitar player had 4 guitar cabs going in a venue about the size of the Lion’s Lair. Here’s their myspace for those who are interested. All instrumentals, just drums and guitar but they kicked serious ass at the show. One of their songs was 40 minutes long. Very rock. I’m digging on the song “Deep in the Caves” at the moment. They were the middle slot band. The headliner was a NY band that I didn’t like as much. Later in the week I had a $300+ steak dinner at Peter Luger’s in Brooklyn that was paid for by a client. It was my second time eating there, still the best steak I’ve ever had. Even though we had 6:30PM reservations we didn’t get our table until about 9PM. Of course, I see JJ Abrams walk in and schmoozed with the staff and get a table right away. Fucker. Flying back this time was not as painful because I avoided getting completely smashed the night before, unlike my trip out in September. I did find a cool new spot for some great Japanese bar food. It’s called Hagi and they are only open after 5PM and it’s in a little basement next to another Japanese restaurant. We had to wait about an hour to get in but we killed some time at a Irish pub down the street. Oh man, the food was great. Takoyaki, teriyaki squid, sweet fatty pork, fried chicken gizzard, wasabi flavored octopus…my friend and I had about 12 dishes between the two of us. In the next table over from us were a group of five Japanese girls with two gaijin boys doing sake shots all night for someone’s birthday. They were pretty entertaining by the end of the evening.
There are times when I miss New York. I miss my friends and the amazing things you can do there, I don’t miss living there everyday though and putting up with the bullshit.
Posted on 03 September 2009 by D' MacKinnon
Jolene is still recovering from the flu. She seems to be getting better but it still feeling crappy and hasn’t slept all night. Her doctor assures us that she is no longer contagious so I’ve released her from quarantine.
Thanks for the well wishes, we appreciate it.
Thankfully Dresden and I are not infected. Jolene has spent the day bleaching and disinfecting. Little guy has missed his Mommy I think, he’s been stuck hanging out with me all week.
The final building inspection for the studio is tonight! Fingers crossed that we pass. If we get the sign off I’ll be spending tomorrow hauling all of my gear from the temporary space into the new area. Unhooking all of that audio gear is a painful time-consuming task.
Posted on 31 August 2009 by D' MacKinnon
On the recommendation of a co-work J. and I watched a Bosnian movie called Fuse on Thursday. I thought it was very well done especially if you are familiar with the conflict over there. J. thought it was a little slow.
Went out to Vinyl on Saturday with my buddy Wax to check out DJ Sneak from Chicago. It was fun to get out and do something different than the norm.
Laid down some tracks for an upcoming Royal Dead recording last night. May possibly be one of the last sessions in my temporary area before moving into the new studio. Our final building inspection should happen on Thursday and I’ll spend all Friday hauling equipment into the new space and hooking things up. The construction and planning has been going on for so long now, since the end of April…I’m stoked that I will finally be able to move in.
Posted on 18 August 2009 by D' MacKinnon
Still suffering from writer’s block…songs are coming but slowly. A bunch of half written songs but nothing totally finished from start to end. I’ll get there though. I managed to finish some guitar work for a Canadian friend, should be showing up on an EP in October.
Studio is almost finished…I’ve been taking photos here and there throughout the process I think I’ll just upload them a one big slideshow once it’s finished. Jolene, Dres and I are going to visit some family in Phoenix for a bit and then when I get back we’ll be putting in the flooring and the last of the electrical and we’ll be done! I’m looking forward to getting a drumkit in there and testing it out the tracking room.
I went to Toys R Us today to look for things to amuse the little guy during our roadtrip tomorrow and saw this:
Hmm. Isn’t it kind of wrong to make a toy of the most distrubing and violent scene in Star Wars? Luke is off fucking around with some crazy old hermit when he should be picking up some power converters for the farm. When he returns from his day of playing hooky he sees the corpses of his slaughtered aunt and uncle and his home burned down. Gee, let’s make some toys of this in case the children weren’t already mentally scarred from watching that scene!
Anyhoo, long drive tomorrow. Off to get some ZZZ’s.
Posted on 10 July 2009 by D' MacKinnon
Don’t waste your time or money on it. Chock full of cliched mid-90’s Michael Bay cinematography, full of explosions, nausea inducing camera rotations, absurd camera angles and unnecessary explosions. No meaningful roles for the female characters at all unless you count strutting around with lips that looked like they were permanently dipped in olive oil. Characters that I couldn’t give two shits about whether they lived or died. Even more butchering of my childhood memories with their changes to Transformers backstory.
Posted on 22 June 2009 by D' MacKinnon
The two new tattoos I got inked last Thursday are healing well…starting to get a little itchy but no peeling yet.
The studio build is going well. The framing is almost complete, electrical roughs coming in this week. I need to get the audio snake and wall plates up before the insulation goes in. I’m excited.
Posted on 26 February 2009 by D' MacKinnon
As I stand here today, on the precipice of the journey back to Colorado I reminisce about the past year. I’m not the same man I was when I moved out here. I think I’m a little less scared, a lot more confident in myself and I feel like I could handle anything. I definitely walk and talk a little faster and have adopted some of the traits of a New Yorker. I had more of a West Coast outlook and attitude before coming here. That hasn’t completely gone away but I’ve picked up the drive and determination of a hard working East Coaster. Since living here I’ve been enveloped in a 24/hr work culture..for better or worse it has rubbed off on me. I’m going to miss New York’s unique charms. Every ethnic group has their own little patch of land in the city where you can brush against their vibrant culture that hasn’t been diminished and diluted by generations of existing in the melting pot. You can do and see just about anything here. The super-wealthy live just miles from the extremely poor. And everything is bigger and better here. The best and brightest all live here, competing with each other in the race to the top. New York is truly the center of the universe, our Rome.
I don’t regret moving here. The opportunities given to me have been immense and I feel like I’m leaving with more than what I’ve arrived with. That being said, I’m looking forward to taking a deep breath, stepping back and taking a moment to relax. I don’t think New Yorkers realize how difficult it is to live here. I think the memories of short lines, quick travel and more space have been forgotten even to me. I miss being able to see green outside my front door instead of going to Central Park. I miss having time to myself for my own artistic endeavors. I miss having time to just hang with my friends and share a beer without worrying about making my train or getting an emergency call from work.
Competitiveness is a good thing but they take it to the extreme here.
It was tough today saying farewell to people but I like to think of it more as I’ll see you soon than goodbye.
New York, I love you but the time wasn’t right for us. If I had come here in my early twenties things would be different. You would have been perfect. I mean it in all sincereness when I say it’s not you, it’s me. My time here will always be a part of me but I never truly felt like this was my home….it always felt like an extended vacation. I’ll be back to visit but my home and heart belong elsewhere. So long, New York. We’ll see each other again soon.
Posted on 09 January 2009 by D' MacKinnon
Big news everyone.
Jolene, Dresden and I are moving back to Colorado.
When I moved out here it was to take the next step in my career and to take on certain opportunities presented to me. There was also hope of getting further with our record label. New York City is a great place, I’ve learned a lot here and this was a good experience to have. I feel like it’s changed who I am and also made Jolene and I get closer to each other in our relationship. I’ve learned I’m capable of things I couldn’t have imagined 12 months ago and I feel more confident about myself. They say moving is one of the most stressful things to do next to divorce and moving here with an infant was no small task. I’m proud of what we’ve done.
That being said I feel like it’s time to move on. Since moving out here Jolene has been pretty miserable. Her and the baby were stuck in the apartment alone everyday for the most part. On the weekends we’d go and explore the city together but Monday – Friday she was pretty much by herself. Work has dominated my existence here, most days I’m gone for 10-12 hours and there have been a lot of Saturdays where I’ve worked. This has left little time for me to spend on myself, not to mention I haven’t really worked on a lick of my own music since I’ve been here. I feel like I’ve been slowly losing myself as a person. Also, we kept out house in Colorado and rented it to tenants who are now moving out. We haven’t been able to find new tenants and paying for a mortgage in Colorado and an apartment in NYC isn’t feasible. The cost of living out here is too high, between paying higher taxes and everything costing nearly double what it costs back in Colorado the increase in pay I received. I had big plans for the record label out here. I thought that being physically closer to the industry would help but it hasn’t. It’s hard to find new acts to sign when you don’t have time to ever go out. It’s hard to run a recording studio when it’s crammed into a small room in an apartment.
I miss my friends. I’ve made new friends out here but my heart is really still in Colorado. Most of the people I’m closest to still live in Colorado, they are my second family. A lot of our friends had kids or are having kids, I would love for Dresden to grow up knowing them. I think I would have stayed out here longer if we had moved here years ago, before having Dresden. After having a kid my priorities have changed, I don’t really feel the need to go clubbing 4 days a week anymore.
So that’s it. I don’t know what I’m going to do for work yet, this is kind of stressing me out. Leaving an amazing job in the middle of an economic downturn is scary but I feel that this is something I have to do. Hopefully things will work out in our favor, I have a feeling that they usually do. Just as moving out here 12 months ago was the right thing to do I feel that this is the right time to move back.